Tending to the Private Life of a Public Person

Doug Fields, one of the nation’s leading youth workers (behind our very own Doug Ranck of Santa Barbara, of course) declares these to be warning signs that your life is slipping toward the dark side:

• a cluttered appearance (unless you are just naturally a really sloppy person) – your office is messy, your car is messy, you are messy … not good
• low level paranoia – there’s this looming fear that people will find out you’re not perfect
• you leave a series of disappointments in your wake – you miss appointments and you break commitments, without meaning to
• excess time spent on easy, unproductive tasks – you file away the paperwork or throw a few quotes on facebook rather than plan your 18 month strategic calendar or dive into exegeting this week’s text for your sermon
• your connections with Jesus are rare and lack depth
• you begin skimming in relationships – like your lack of intimacy with Jesus, you begin connecting on a surface and superficial level with others
• you’re easily discouraged

The danger in slipping toward the dark side is not so much arriving there, but the temptation to think that we can overcome the dark side simply by “doing” more.

The analogy Doug Fields uses to describe the soul of the leaders is the basement.  Our souls are either finished or unfinished depending on how we tend to them.  There are six “rooms” every leader (every person for that matter) needs to have in their basement in order to live a life that overcomes the dark side.

1. Drive/Achievement/Motivation Room – If business is your motivation then you’re headed for a life of hurt.  Healthy people begin with the end in mind (sounds like Covey to me) and create a life that moves them toward that end.
2. Time – Identify and track the rhythm of your time and don’t fight it, use it.  If you’re not a morning person then try to be a morning person.  Remember that every “yes” is a “no” to someone. (I think he has a book with this in the title.)
3. Study – You need to decide if you want to study or if you want to skim.  The difference is offering your people a juicy filet mignon or taco bell meat … they can tell the difference.  If you have to, write the names of the authors you are reading in your calendar so it looks like you have an appointment with them.
4. Spiritual Strength – You should know what life looks like when you are full and when you are empty.  What are your warning signs?  Schedule times of solitude.
5. Refreshment – Read Exodus 31:17 and ask, How do I refresh myself?  Make sure you practice a regular sabbath.
6. Calling – Know that you are called to this ministry.  At the same time, be in touch with your own depravity and know that you are always only one bad decision from shipwrecking your calling.  Know your limits and get help when you need it.

Learning the Skills of Trust

“Sometimes you have to help people make another organization successful.” – Dr. John Townsend

Boundaries are about one thing – guarding your heart because God has given you a mission.  Proverbs 4:23 says, “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life.”  Your heart is the place of values, thoughts, feelings, decisions, time, energy, etc.  Boundaries are not about selfishness, but about stewardship.

There are two types of boundaries – definition boundaries and protective boundaries.  Definition Boundaries are about Who I am and Who I am not.  If you’re not defined then you will lose a lot of energy.  The psalmists are often well defined people.  They can maintain who they are in the midst of their circumstances without losing sight of who God is.

Protective Boundaries are necessary for leading a productive life and guarding the heart.  These are the boundaries we draw with other people in order to protect our heart.  By not practicing healthy boundaries we often avoid people altogether and create emotional deficits.  The vacuum of people in our lives cannot be filled only with God because we were created for God and people.

Beginning to trust again involves several learnable skills.  First, ask yourself if you have learned the lesson.  In other words, can you answer the question, What was my contribution to the hurt?  (For example, I was afraid to have a voice, I allowed little things to pile up and become a big thing, I maintained defensive hope, I tried to rescue.

Second, ask yourself, Is the offending party getting the right anti-body?  We have all been hurt by someone who said they would never do it again.  But, how many times have we been re-hurt by that same person?  Before investing again we need to make sure they are investing.  For example, if we are dealing with a dishonest person is he surrounding himself with honest people?  If a controlling person, is he surrounding himself with people who value freedom?

Finally, we need to ask ourselves, Are they trustworthy?  While we are called to love everyone, we are not called to trust everyone.  Love is free, but trust is earned.  Ask yourself, Is she concerned about the impact she made on me?  If not, she is probably not trustworthy yet.  Is she connected to growers?  What company does she keep?  Who is holding her accountable?  If you are the only one investing in her then it probably won’t work.  She has to make her life available to others, as well.

Take the Steps to Heal a Relationship

1. Have the Talk – You have to articulate the reality of the relationship, the good, the bad and the ugly.  This is a time to be honest about your reservations and to ask them what their plan is for moving forward.  They have to have a plan!
2. Be ready to deal with the speed bumps.  They aren’t train wrecks, but they might feel like it.  Be honest when you’re feeling this way and allow God’s perfect love to cast out fear.

The Hebrew word for trust means to be careless or unedited.  With whom can you be unedited?

 

(This post is a compilation of notes taken during a lecture given by Dr. John Townsend at the FAM Conference, May 10, 2012.  They do not necessarily represent my thoughts or opinions.)

Debunking 5 Marriage Myths

According to Shaunti Feldhahn, most couples get divorced or choose to cohabitate for one reason – lack of hope.  Why?  They all hear these statistics and conclude, What hope do we have?

• 50% of all marriages end in divorce
• the divorce rate in the church is the same as the world
• 80% of all married people claim they are unhappy
• 70% of all second marriages end in divorce
• Marriage is hard and there’s no way to win

The truth is, none of these statistics are true.  They are all simply myths and misinterpretations of research.  The real statistics are much more hopeful.

• The divorce rate in America is about 36%
• The divorce rate of active church goers (2x per month, regardless of socio-economic status) is about 18% … half of that of the world
• 80% of all married couples report that they are happy
• Divorce is rarely about a “big ticket” item, therefore, little efforts can make a big difference

So what?  Well, these statistics provide hope.  Which is more hopeful, believing that half of all marriages end in divorce or that you have a high chance of making it?  Which is more hopeful, believing that Jesus makes no difference whatsoever in married life or knowing that active faith can reduce your chances of divorce by half?  Which is more hopeful, ministering believing that you are not making an ounce of difference or ministering knowing that God is right and His ways work?

I don’t know about you, but I think I’m going to go and give my wife a hug and tell her how much I love her.

Notes taken from Shaunti Feldhahn’s lecture at the FAM Conference hosted by Homeword Ministries, May 10-12, 2012.

The Wisdom of Stability

We’ve all experienced the temptation to run when things get tough. The problem from running from our demons is that they will be waiting for us when we arrive at our new destination. We can never escape. This is what The Wisdom of Stability is about – staying put and facing our demons.

If a trial comes upon you in the place where you live, do not leave that place when the trial comes. Wherever you go, you will find that what you are running from will be ahead of you.(35)

The Wisdom of Stability is great for anyone who is contemplating leaving because they are facing trials. The wisdom in this book is that it encourages people to stay put and deal with their demons. Too often in the body of Christ (and in life in general) when we face conflict we simply pick up and move on to the next church. While we avoid the conflict in the present moment we only delay the inevitable – face the demons within or move on to the next church.

It is only by sending out deep roots that we will ever come to the place of stability necessary to deal with life’s struggles. In fact, the body of Christ is designed to help one deal with one’s inner demons. Conflict is to be worked through rather than avoided.

“If another member of the church sins against you, go and point out the fault when the two of you are alone. If the member listens to you, you have regained that one. But if you are not listened to, take one or two others along with you, so that every word may be confirmed by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If the member refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if the offender refuses to listen even to the church, let such a one be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly I tell you, whatever you bind on earth will be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth will be loosed in heaven. Again, truly I tell you, if two of you agree on earth about anything you ask, it will be done for you by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, I am there among them.” – Matthew 18:15-20

So when you are offering your gift at the altar, if you remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go; first be reconciled to your brother or sister, and then come and offer your gift. – Matthew 5:23-24

Stability is a sign of faith that Jesus can meet us and help us wherever we are. We have been conditioned here in the US to avoid stability. We leave for college far from home. After college we move to a new location for graduate school. We spend a few years traveling and working allowing our employers to relocate us at will. Then we move again to complete a terminal degree and jump right back into the work and travel motif. There is little room for stability.

What The Wisdom of Stability lacks is a discussion of the need for some to move about. While monasteries are rooted they were founded by people who were called to travel. Many of the leaders of these movements (we even call them movements) were on the move. Jesus himself was on the move and called his followers to follow him. While there are those who were told to “return home and tell of all that God has done for you” there were also those who were told “you will be my witnesses unto the Gentiles.” There is a balance that must be achieved between movement and stability.

My Soul Magnifies the LORD

It is 4:30 am and I’m wide awake thinking about several conversations I had yesterday with both friends and foes.  How did Jesus do it?  I can imagine him in the garden talking with his Father, expressing his discouragement, disappointment, confusion and hurt.

“Father, I have been obedient in every way and have poured my life out into these 12 men.  I don’t understand.  Peter is so impulsive, always acting before thinking and denial awaits him.  How can he deny me whom he named Messiah?  And what about James and John?  They think it’s all about power and position.  Haven’t they seen me at work?  Haven’t they seen how I serve, not govern?  Then there’s Thomas.  Always doubting, never fully believing.  Andrew and the others are so quiet. Every once in a while they show a glimmer of hope but then they pretty much follow suit with the others.  Finally, there’s Judas.  He has betrayed me.  Me, his friend for these last three years!  I simply don’t understand and now I am at the darkest hour I have yet known asking that if there be any to let this cup pass then let it be.”

At this point I can picture Jesus entering into reflective silence and the words of his mother Mary come to him,

My soul magnifies the Lord, and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has looked with favor on the lowliness of his servant. Surely, from now on all generations will call me blessed; for the Mighty One has done great things for me, and holy is his name. His mercy is for those who fear him from generation to generation. He has shown strength with his arm; he has scattered the proud in the thoughts of their hearts. He has brought down the powerful from their thrones, and lifted up the lowly; he has filled the hungry with good things, and sent the rich away empty. He has helped his servant Israel, in remembrance of his mercy, according to the promise he made to our ancestors, to Abraham and to his descendants forever. (Luke 1:46–55 NRSV)

In that dark moment Jesus recalls the lessons he learned from his mother.  In everything, great and terrible, my soul glorifies the LORD and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior.  To glorify the LORD and rejoice in God.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

The LORD is not blind and he sees the true nature of each person’s heart and intentions.  Yes, the LORD is mindful of those who humbly serve.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

The Mighty One has indeed done great things and holy is his name.  Jesus quickly recalls the miracles, the epiphanies, the questions, the conversations and the conversions.  Great things indeed.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

Great things indeed.  The proud have been scattered and will not ultimately prevail against the servant of the LORD.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

God is making changes at the political level that will leave the world puzzling for all time – rulers brought down and the humble lifted up.  Nothing that is is guaranteed unless God says so.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

More than once did the Mighty One feed the hungry masses and disappoint the rich.  That the hungry are filled with good things is a sign of kingdom righteousness.  That the rich are sent away empty is a sign of the danger of the love of money.  God keeps his eyes on the poor, the widow, the orphan and the alien.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

God’s faithfulness has never ceased from the time of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob.  He has helped his people through difficulties and disobedience and will continue to be present and faithful.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

Finally, one last word comes to Jesus’ mind in that second that seems to linger for eternity,

Here am I, the servant of the Lord; let it be with me according to your word. (Luke 1:38 NRSV)

And so, Jesus ends his prayer in the garden by saying, “Nevertheless, not my will but yours.”

Perhaps it was these same words of Mary that inspired Jesus to say,

Blessed are you when people insult you, persecute you and falsely say all kinds of evil against you because of me.  Rejoice and be glad, because great is your reward in heaven, for in the same way they persecuted the prophets who were before you. (Matthew 5:11-12 NIV)

So, when we’re hurt, disappointed, betrayed, confused and experiencing our own Garden of Gethsemane perhaps these words of Mary the Mother of Jesus can encourage us.  Yes, glorify and rejoice.

Books that Have Influenced Me (… or My Recommended Reading List)

Someone asked me the other day to make a list of the books I would recommend.  So, here’s a start in no particular order.

• Discovering an Evangelical Heritage by Dayton
• Responsible Grace by Maddox
• Surprised by Hope by Wright
• Why I’m not a Calvinist by Dongell and Walls
• Heaven by Randy Alcorn
• Across the Spectrum by Boyd
• Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics by Gravitz
• John Wesley’s sermons (especially the contemporary translation by Kinghorn)
• Decoding the Church by Snyder (and just about anything else by Snyder for that matter)
• Documents of the Early Christian Church by Bettenson
• The Story of Christianity by Gonzalez
• But If It Dies by Pearson
• John Wesley: A Theological Journey by Collins
• Me, Myself & Bob by Vischer
• The Universe Next Door by Sire
• Handbook on the Pentateuch by Hamilton
• Backgrounds of Early Christianity by Ferguson
• Cost of Discipleship by Bonhoeffer
• The Great Omission by Willard
• The Divine Conspiracy by Willard
• Praying in the Wesleyan Spirit by Chicolte
• Lord, Teach Us by Willimon and Hauerwas
• Rule of St. Benedict by St. Benedict
• Daily Roberts by Demaray
• Practice of the Presence of God by Brother Lawrence
• The Little Flowers of St. Francis translated by Demaray
• The Deeper Journey by Mulholland
• Imitation of Christ translated by Demaray
• Emotionally Healthy Spirituality by Schazerro
• The Gift of Being Yourself by Benner
• Sacred Rhythms by Barton
• The Only Necessary Thing by Nouwen
• Christ of the Indian Road by Jones
• Spiritual Classics by Renovare
• Devotional Classics by Renovare
• The Preacher by Petersen
• It’s Your Ship by Abrashoff
• The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People by Covey
• In the Name of Jesus by Nouwen

Enjoy and feel free to add to the list!

A Little Piece of Heaven

Darla Jean King ~ September 13, 1960 - October 18, 2011

I had a glimpse of what I think heaven might be like today.  I know, Beggs, OK isn’t exactly what I thought heaven would be like either, but today it was.  As friends and family gathered for my mother’s funeral today I begin to recognize people.  I didn’t know them in the sense of having met them before, but in that they look vaguely familiar sort of way.  As I introduced myself to them I realized why they looked so familiar – we were related.  I was seeing the Adkison side of my family in each and every face.  This was family.

Then it dawned on me … this must be what heaven is going to be like.  We will see people and they will look vaguely familiar.  We won’t recognize them because we’ve seen them before but because we’re family, created in the image of God.  We will see the Christ side of the family in them.  What a glorious reunion that will be when we get to see each other as God created us and not through the broken lenses we’ve created for ourselves.

The funeral itself went well.  It was clear that my mom’s greatest strength was Woo – Winning Others Over.  Everyone loved my mother.  It didn’t matter if she knew you for 10 years or 10 minutes, she had the ability to make you feel like she was your best friend.  She almost always had a smile on and rarely had a mean word to say about anybody.

Mom, I will miss you, your smile, and your silly antics.  I know that God’s mercy is over all God’s works and perhaps one day I will recognize you again.  I love you.

The First Night

Last night my dad called and told me that my mom died.  We don’t know how she died just that she went to bed and didn’t get up the next day.  In the few seconds that exist between the world of dreams and the waken world I dreamed that my mom was raised.  I was shocked and not expecting it.  She was so full of joy and a lightness that I don’t recall seeing for over 20 years.  Just as I was about to embrace her I realized that I was dreaming and woke up.  The word that came to mind was this,

I also pray that you will understand the incredible greatness of God’s power for us who believe him. This is the same mighty power that raised Christ from the dead and seated him in the place of honor at God’s right hand in the heavenly realms. – Ephesians 1:19–20 NLT

I have the power to raise the dead, George.  Never forget that.

Now, I don’t imagine that this dream was actually about raising my mother, or any other dead person for that matter.  It was a reminder that God really, truly raised Christ from the dead.  It was a reminder that the same power that was used in raising Christ is available to me, on a daily basis and especially when life is hard.  I am encouraged by this thought because I know that there is no greater power than the power of God to raise the dead and bring life.

Lord, help me to understand his incredible power and to rest in it as a remain in Jesus.  Amen.

Praying the Psalms

This month I have been praying the psalms.  Every morning and every evening before I rise and before I sleep I pray the psalms.  For me this is as simple as reading slowly and saying, “Amen!” at the end.  At first it seemed like a weird practice but half way into the month I began to notice that the words of the psalmist were becoming my words, my prayers.  Some of the psalms I could relate to emotionally.  Others brought to mind other people and places.  And so I prayed.

I am now at the end of the month and have discovered something new in praying the psalms.  The psalms remind me that people are indeed “fearfully and wonderfully made.”  Have you ever noticed how the psalmists an go from this, “The Lord is King for ever and ever!” to this, “How long, O Lord?  Will you forget me forever?”  It seems that life has a way of bringing us to our knees and when we are down what else have we but to cry out.

Angry.

Disappointed.

Hurt.

Afraid.

Feelings of injustice.

We cry out.  We cry out against God.  We cry out to God.  We cry against those who represent God.  Often doing all three in the same breath.  Sometimes we cry out in denial.  Denying our pain or our shattered hopes.  We believe that if we deny reality then somehow we will overcome.  However, it is only by embracing reality, ultimate Reality, that we can have victory.  I am learning that God is not afraid of my crying out.  After all, he is the one who can, “Search me out … and know my heart; try me and know my restless thoughts.

With that being said I have some friends who are crushed now by the brokenness of creation.  Please pray for them.  As the psalmist writes, “The Lord is near to the broken hearted and saves the crushed in spirit.”  Amen.

200 Countries in 200 Years